Sunday, June 15, 2008

Distant Admeration

I have a secret crush. He works for the same company I do, but in a different department. I run into him sometimes in the elevater or at the coffee shop. We've been formaly introduced so we occasionally make small talk. "Hey how have you been?" "oh, fine you?" He doesn't know that we went to school together. For many years actually. We actually use to play together as kids. We went to the same church. In school we were both in advanced reading and math class together, and later in high school we were both in the same art class. He doesn't reconize me. I barely reconize myself.
I moved away my freshman year of high school, to another small town in the next county over. It was closer to my father's job. Back then, I was slightly overweight with a boyish figure. I wore my dull brown hair long, with no real style. I wore baggy close and lees than flattering hats,
I wore glasses and was in dire need of braces, which I finally got my sr. year. I've manage to burn all my raduation pictures except one, hanging in my mom's hallway. I blossomed later in college. I went to a state university, and got a degree, which I don't use. I met my ex-husband in college. We were married 5 years, almost to the day. Now I have three children who rarely see their dad,( He's remarried and just had another child) and a mortgage I can just barely afford.
Since I last seen my secret crush, I've lost weight and gained a more womanly figure. I wear contacts now, and Iwear my auburn hair is flattering layers that frame my face. I still haven't quite learned how to dress to flatter my figure. Ithink my problem is that I don't care about clothes that much. I prefer comfort. I don't wear to much make up either. touch of mascare and a bit of lipgloss on my way out the door is good enough for me. I've always been a no nonsense, jeans and t-shirt kinda girl.
My crush, like me was also a late bloomer. Not as late as me, but still. He was quiet and shy throughout grade school. He was never really athletic, and not real popular. At recess I would sometimes see him tucked away somewhere reading a book. Sometimes we would read together. He moved away during middle school, but came back our freshman year. He was totally different. He had gotton taller, and cuter. Alot cuter. He was still a little reserved, but not as shy and awkward as I remembered him. All of sudden everyone wanted to be his friend. he remembered me then, (I still looked the same) and was even nice to me, but we didn't hang out like we did when we were kids. I loved him from a distance throughout the school year untill I moved the next summer, thinking I'd never see him again.
Then two years ago, on my third day at work we ran into each other in the elevator. He smiled then looked quizzically at me before turning his attention to his cell phone. I must have looked like a deer in headlights. He caught me so off guard. I, of course, reconized him immediately. A week or so later we were introduce officially by another co-worker in the employee lounge. He gave no signs of recognition. In college, I started going by my middle name, because I didn't like my first name and I was trying to reinvent myself. We made small talk that day, and many times after that, but that's as close as I get. Everytime I see him, I battle with myself, and try not to blurt out that I love hime, and that he's my soulmate, amd that we should get married and have a bunch of babies. Mostly because he's already married, and has a baby on the way. His wife is a lucky woman.